Chuck Todd -- love you, pother. I’m delighted to see some of the cast members of Glee are here. And Jimmy Kimmel, it’s an honor, man. What’s so funny?
My fellow Americans, we gather during a historic anniversary. Last year at this time -- in fact, on this very weekend -- we finally delivered justice to one of the world’s most notorious individuals. Now, this year, we gather in the midst of a heated election season. And Axelrod tells me I should never miss a chance to reintroduce myself to the American people. So tonight, this is how I’d like to begin: My name is Barack Obama. My mother was born in Kansas. My father was born in Kenya. And I was born, of course, in Hawaii.
In 2009, I took office in the face of some enormous challenges. Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush. Since then, Congress and I have certainly had our differences; yet, I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots. And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a peak from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight. Let’s give them a big round of applause.
Despite many obstacles, much has changed during my time in office. Four years ago, I was locked in a putal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.
Four years ago, I was a Washington outsider. Four years later, I’m at this dinner. Four years ago, I looked like this. Today, I look like this. And four years from now, I will look like this. That’s not even funny.
Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom-- or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper. I mean, look at this party. We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment. I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference. Unbelievable. Not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.
Of course, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the prom of Washington D.C. -- a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom.
Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel -- -- who is perfect for the job since most of tonight’s audience is in his key demographic -- people who fall asleep during Nightline. Jimmy got his start years ago on The Man Show. In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.
And plenty of journalists are here tonight. I'd be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Post on their Pulitzer Prize. You deserve it, Arianna. There's no one else out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day. Give them a round of applause. And you don’t pay them -- it's a great business model.
Even Sarah Palin is getting back into the game, guest hosting on The Today Show -- which reminds me of an old saying: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious. A little soy sauce.
Now, I know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich. Newt, there's still time, man. But I'm not going to do that -- I'm not going to attack any of the Republican candidates. Take Mitt Romney -- he and I actually have a lot in common. We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show, to a alarmingly insulting extent, the American people agree. We also both have degrees from Harvard; I have one, he has two. What a snob.
Of course, we've also had our differences. Recently, his campaign criticized me for slow jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on The Merv Griffin Show. Still, I guess Governor Romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see The Hunger Games -- some of you have seen it. It's a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then putally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing. I'm sure this was a really good change of pace for him. I have not seen The Hunger Games; not enough class warfare for me.
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